I Can’t Escape This Body. This Is It For Me.

I believed everything everyone said…

I believed them when I was called ugly, worthless or an alien.

I felt foreign, I felt like a stranger in my own skin. I do not belong here.

I am a visitor and I’d like to go home now.

I’m caught out here and I do not like the way they shout.

They shout my name and call me weird, I can’t escape this body. This is it for me.

I am here, this is me, this is my face and I cannot change me.

Trust me!

For I have tried, Many times.

I’ve thought about the parts I’d like to cut off, chop and change or delete this copy all together.

I have.

My heart has burned and ached in ways I didn’t know it could, I’ve been so short of breath and I’ve wondered if my lungs still worked.

I’ve been shattered and left in pieces, without a way to glue myself back together.

I’ve been so scared to be who I am that I’ve faked it, lied and hidden truths deep down.

I couldn’t say anyone saved me, I did that myself.

I chose to not give up when all I wanted to do was drown.

I was consumed by the fears that others created.

I didn’t understand the power I had in just being who I was meant to be.

Change is hard and admitting somethings wrong implies mistakes and a mistake is what I felt like.

I didn’t want help because I almost enjoyed being so sad.

I didn’t want to address the hurt I felt.

My biggest lesson is a teddy bear in a councillor’s room.

Picture this, 3 chairs. Two facing each other and third offset on the left. Sitting on the chair a big teddy bear.

I was told this is CFND. This is your condition. I’d like to speak with Olivia today. Could you please put CFND somewhere in the room you’d like it to be?

I rushed over and hid it behind the furthest chair and broke down. That whole hour session I cried.

I cried because of the freedom I felt, I had detached CFND I was Olivia. I was free.

I cried because of how unhappy I felt, I hated myself and I hated my condition even more.

It was a heart breaking moment, I realised how much damage I had sitting inside my tired heart…

I had scars on my heart and all over my body, I was beaten and broken and had to learn to build myself back up from scratch.

Revealing things I didn’t want to work on.

I wanted a lot of things to stay hidden but to really change needs healing and light shed in the darkest parts of your heart.

Healing is hard, but if you work on it little by little it becomes easier overtime.

You learn ways to cope with negativity and process the traumatic experiences you’ve faced in your past. This world can chew you up and spit you out and feel like you are a prisoner in your own story.

But without the pain we wouldn’t really be able to celebrate the beautiful things that you’ve experienced.

What a world we live in and what a wonderful place to see.

Off the top of my head I can see a few of my favourite things in this world.

1. The light flickering through trees on a cool summers day.

2. The sound of a piano in a large room

3. Camping in winter next to a fire

Success is in the mindset, you can go on denying you’ve got a problem. Letting yourself fade away and become something you didn’t want or you can stand up and believe in yourself.

It’s hard believing in yourself when you feel nobody else does but in the end you only can control a few things in life.

Number 1 – Your actions. Which include your behaviour, activity, skillset, and even your communication.

Number 2 – Your REactions. Or your responses to the events and situations that occur throughout your day. And finally,

Number 3 – Your attitude. Which is your mindset and your beliefs.

I never thought I’d be someone you could call inspiration.

My main goal was just surviving.

But here I am, people still come and read the words I write,

so clearly something is working.

I try to be honest in everything I do and I pride myself in being the kindest person I can.

For you really don’t know what people are going through at any given day.

I want to inspire you to seek help and to not let others define you.

You are here for a reason and we’ll never get another you.

The world doesn’t give you anything you cannot handle, treat every day like a lesson – try to learn from the past but do not dwell on the negative.

Accept yourself for the gifts you bring to others around you.

Different is good,

Different is great,

Imagine how boring life would be if we’re all the same.

Be kind and be patience

Both to yourself and others.

If you’d like to see the world change we have to change ourselves.